


Silent Afternoons

by niveuos



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Dan is complicated, Feelings, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Mental Illness, Sexuality Realisation, Social Anxiety, caring!Phil, complex!Dan, lots of texting, naps, quiet!Dan, selective mutism, so many feelings, some kind of heavy themes i guess, they nap together after school, theyre the same age, this story is kind of informative i guess, um if ive missed anything in these tags just let me know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-21 00:43:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6031975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niveuos/pseuds/niveuos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil receives a strange email one afternoon from a boy who just wants to take a nap and needs somewhere to stay. What Phil doesn't realise is that by agreeing to what he thinks will be one silent afternoon, he's throwing himself into an emotional journey that opens his eyes to thoughts and feelings he wasn't even aware he was capable of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silent Afternoons

**Author's Note:**

> hello !!! this is my first work in this fandom and it was originally meant to be a really short n cute little one shot but then it developed and turned into a very emotional and educational experience for me so i hope it will do the same for you. i do not believe it to be triggering but it does go over lots about social anxiety + other things so if when reading it you find it to be triggering at all let me know and i'll add it to the tags :) i have some stuff at the end that would be cool if you read, but i'll also have a long informative speel probably that u can read if u want. anyway on we go i hope you enjoy xx

It began in the third week of Phil's senior year. He was about to lay down and rest for a couple hours when his phone went off in his hand, which was resting lazily on his stomach. Grunting slightly, he lifted the screen to his eyes to read the notification, informing him he had a new email on his school address. Despite all his desires to just ignore it, the email could be of importance to him, especially if it related to his studies.

With a deflated sigh, he opened the email, expecting to be greeted with a message from one of his teachers, but instead faced a short email from another student. Eyes laced with confusion, he scanned the email, curious as to why a fellow student would use email to contact him.

_**hello**_ , the email began. **_i hope you don't think this is weird or anything, but i found you on the schools "year seven buddies" carpooling list in the records from 2011 and you're the closest person to me from school. we've never spoken before and i have no idea who you are, but my parents have been fighting non stop recently and they're too loud for me to take a nap. can i come over to yours just to take a two hour rest? - dan._**

Phil was gobsmacked, to say the least. He had no idea who this guy was, or if he was in any of his classes. The email the message was sent from was definitely one of the school ones and this guy genuinely sounded authentic. Was this one of the strangest requests that had ever been asked of Phil? Most definitely. But, considering he was about to take a nap himself, he decided it wouldn't hurt to let this guy just come over and sleep on the floor or something. Hastily, Phil typed out a reply, eager to begin his nap.

_Sure, it's whatever,_ he said, hoping not to make any typos. _Just let yourself in. Nobody's home._

With that, he collapsed back into his double bed, wondering how long it would be until this Dan guy showed up.

Fortunately for him, it was only five minutes. Dan really _did_ live close by. Distantly, Phil heard the front door opening and shutting softly, then two pairs of legs raced up the steps and searched around until he found Phil in his room lying soundlessly on the mattress. Phil opened one eye, looking at him.

Dan was tall, with chocolate hair and slightly dark hazel eyes, a lanky figure and almost broad shoulders, still fitting in to his awkwardly growing body. His fringe swept over his eyes a little and across his forehead, and he was dressed head to toe in black.

The boy didn't say a word, nodding to Phil thankfully, then without any warning crept over to the other side of Phil's bed and lay down next to him, facing away with his legs sprawled out. Phil was shocked, not expecting this guy to be so comfortable, and almost protested until he sighed and decided he better not. It was only one day, after all. Besides, in this kid's email he mentioned his parents fighting, so enough stress was on this boy already.

Within minutes, Phil fell asleep too. He dreamt of the boy, wondering where he came from and where he would go, why he'd never spoken to him before and what it would be like to know him. Phil thought he was kind of pretty, but he kept that thought in the back of his mind, along with all the other things he tried to ignore.

When Phil woke up, the bed was empty. Checking his phone, he found a notification from Facebook, where Dan had sent him a friend request. He also had a message from him too, on the Messenger app.

**_thanks for letting me stay. its a lot easier to focus on my work when i've had some sleep, even with my parents yelling in my ears. see you at school tomorrow, i guess._ **

Phil wondered why this guy had something against capital letters. He shrugged, getting out of bed and spinning over on a wheelie chair to his desk, ready to begin some homework with a well rested mind.

\---

The following day, Phil _did_ in fact see Dan at school. They passed one another in the hallway between classes and Dan acknowledged him with a nod of his head. He wasn't walking with anyone. Phil wouldn't have noticed him if he wasn't looking out for him in particular.

When Phil got home he collapsed on his bed. Again, he received a notification on his phone, this time on Messenger.

_**can i come over again?**_ it read, another message from Dan. Phil almost declined it, because it was his bed for god's sake and he didn't need to share it with anyone, but immediately felt guilty. Dan deserved sleep, too, so he said that was fine and waited for Dan to arrive.

When he did, Phil scooted over, allowing for more room.

"Is this gonna be a recurring thing?" Phil asked, closing one eye and keeping the other on Dan, waiting for an answer. Dan shrugged, flopping over and away from Phil, closing his eyes.

So they slept again, and Dan was gone when Phil woke up.

\---

Their strange arrangement continued for several weeks. Phil tried asking Dan questions, wanting to understand more about him, but he hardly spoke, giving shrugs and expressions and occasionally whispered one word replies. After the third week, Phil tried messaging him on Facebook, because previously he had been full of words on there.

**Phil** : _Why do you never talk to me?_

After a few minutes, Dan responded.

**Dan: _dont have a lot to say, i guess._**

**Phil** : _You've been sleeping with me, in my bed, every weekday for the last three weeks. Shouldn't we have at least one conversation?_

**_Dan: no_ **

**_Dan: bc we're sleeping_ **

Phil groaned, but he couldn't stop the smile that spread across his face afterwards.

**Phil** : _Well I'd like to know a bit about you! We're kind of friends, aren't we?_

**Dan: _if you want us to be, sure._**

**Dan: _dont really have any friends anyway so that's pretty cool_**

**Phil:** _Now you have me!!!! Even though we haven't really talked in real life_

**Dan: _i don't mind. you seem cute and you're nice_**

Phil blushed, not responding for a moment, heart beating a little faster. Dan called him cute. Dan, a boy he'd been napping with for three weeks with no conversation, called him cute. It was a little nerve racking, to say the least.

**Dan: _sorry that was kind of forward_**

**Dan: _way to go dan ruining a friendship before its begun ha ha !!!_**

**Phil:** _Wait no!! I'm here. Sorry, I just didn't know how to respond, I'm not good at taking compliments_

**Dan: _oh. neither am i_**

**Phil:** _I think you're cute, too, if it's any consolation_

**Phil** : _Like_

**Phil** : _Yeah_

**Dan: _cool_**

Neither of them messaged each other for a few minutes after that. Phil was just staring at his screen, waiting for Dan to say something else, blushing furiously. This was weird for him. He didn't exactly know what was going on in his head.

**Dan: _im coming over to nap again now. see you soon. don't expect me to say much. im not good with my words in real life. but that doesn't mean i don't like you_**

**Dan: _just, like, if you ever think i don't bc i don't talk_**

**Dan: _sorry im weird bye_**

And Dan did. He was at Phil's door within minutes.

"Hello," greeted Phil. Dan smiled in reply.

For the first time, Dan napped facing Phil. Phil didn't mind. His heart fluttered.

\---

After their fourth week, Phil decided he really wanted to spend more time talking to Dan in person. They had had a few texting conversations here and there, just a few words exchanged, but it wasn't a lot. Dan always said something and got really embarrassed and awkward and stopped replying for a while. It was everything from, _**you have cute eyes tho !!!**_ or _**idk i think you would have a pretty laugh, kind of like your face**_. Phil was surprised to find he was okay with the comments, mostly because they made him blush and smile.

On the first day of the fifth week, Phil messaged Dan in the morning before school.

**Phil:** _Do you wanna walk home with me? You don't have to say anything. I'll just talk to you and you can listen or whatever. Maybe I can ask you stuff and you can nod yes or no? I dunno. I just wanna see you properly in person. You're always gone when I wake up from my naps._

Just as Phil was about to leave for school, Dan responded.

**Dan: _sure that's cool by me. i wish i could talk more around you but you make me nervous_**

**Dan: _shit ok ignore that sorry_**

**Dan: _nothing happened_**

Because Phil knew how Dan got, he did as he asked and ignored the message, not responding. He added that message to the list of things he was supposed to ignore in the back of his head, like how sometimes when Dan was sleeping Phil was tempted to wrap his arms around him, or that one time very recently he had a dream that they were kissing. They were nothing, really. Just thoughts. Just moments that could be forgotten.

When the bell rang at the end of the day, Phil met Dan at the front gate.

"Hello," Phil said, turning down the street to walk back to his house, Dan trailing closely beside him.

"Hello," replied Dan, very quietly, looking at his feet as he walked. He adjusted his school bag on his shoulders, looking very small because he was slightly shorter than Phil, despite them being in the same year level.

"Did you have a good day at school?" Phil asked, and Dan shrugged. "Who do you hang out with?" Shrug. "Got any good classes?" Shrug. "Do you like your teachers?" Another shrug. Phil took in a deep breath, realising just how serious Dan was about not talking a lot. In Phil's pause, Dan brought out his phone, typing something Phil couldn't see because of the sun's glare. Phil's phone soon went off in his pocket, and Dan looked up at him expectantly, eyes only landing on him for a second before he turned away.

Phil checked the message.

**Dan: _sorry i thought i could do this well or whatever but i am literally so nervous right now_**

Phil looked over at Dan, to see he was running his hands up and down his arms awkwardly and shuffling his feet a bit. Instead of replying out loud, Phil sent a message back.

**Phil** : _You shouldn't be! I like you, I won't think you're weird or anything if you say something that makes you embarrassed. I'm not going to laugh._

**Dan: _i just don't know what to say. im bad at talking to you. or people in general. i don't hang out with anyone at school and i don't have many friends_**

**Phil:** _Then how did you have the courage to send me an email over a month ago?_

**Dan: _i was so tired and stressed and exhausted from all my parents' fighting that i wasn't thinking straight. i just needed to rest._**

"It's okay," Phil said, answering out loud this time. "You don't need to respond. Do you want me just to talk about myself?" Tentatively putting his phone away, Dan nodded.

So Phil did. He talked about his parents and his brother and his dog and his hobbies. When he mentioned some of his favourite music, Dan smiled and nodded, signalling he liked that music too. Phil named books and movies and TV shows, using Dan's reaction to tell him whether or not they had this interest in common.

Luckily for the both of them, they turned out to share many interests.

When they soon arrived at Phil's house, they made their way to the bedroom so they could take their regular nap. Dan fell asleep first, facing Phil. He tangled their legs together subconsciously. Phil added this to the list of things to keep in the back of his head, but it was starting to get big enough for him to notice it.

\---

It was in the seventh week of knowing one another that things started to get a bit weird. It was the term one school holidays, the fourth day, a Tuesday, that Phil received a message from Dan.

**Dan: _do you mind if i come over? things are.... not good at home._**

**Phil:** _Sure, but I don't nap during the holidays. I generally just sleep half the day._

**Dan: _it's okay. we don't need to nap. we can just just talk_**

**Phil:** _We?_

**Dan: _i'll see you soon_**

Phil didn't really know what Dan meant, but he knew they would be seeing one another very briefly so didn't text him about it. Placing his phone on his bedside table, he waited for Dan to arrive, forgetting that his parents were home and would most likely wonder why a random boy was waltzing into their house without knocking first.

By the time this thought had crossed his mind, it was too late, because the door was opening, there were footsteps, but then there was silence.

"Who are you?" he heard his mother ask, in a defensive tone.

"Um, I- I'm," Dan stuttered, choking on his words, hating confrontation. Before Phil's mother could respond, Phil was racing down the stairs, ceasing their conversation.

"Mum! Sorry. This is Dan. He doesn't talk much. Friend of mine. He's staying for a while," Phil explained quickly, gesturing for Dan to ascend the stairs. He did gratefully, rushing past Phil and running to his room to escape.

"Strange boy," his mother muttered, only loud enough for Phil to hear.

"He has his reasons," Phil snapped back, not meaning to sound so harsh, immediately defending Dan. Before his mother could comment on his tone, he raced back up the steps to find Dan laying on his bed with his eyes staring at the ceiling, red and puffy. Phil couldn't tell if he had been crying before or after he had arrived at his house.

"Sorry about that. I should have told her you were coming and not to worry," Phil apologised, laying down next to him. Dan sniffled, covering his face with his hands.

"Sorry," Dam replied, muffled by his fingers. "I'm so stupid."

"What? No you're not!" Phil insisted, turning to face him. Dan peeked at him through his fingers.

"I- " Dan began, before taking a deep breath and removing the hands from his face, closing his eyes. "Okay. Trying to talk. You look really good today. Shit. Wrong thing. Um." Dan stopped, blushing, covering his face again.

"That's the most you've said so far! That's great," Phil said. He didn't put Dan's comment about him looking good in the back of his mind to ignore, because that spot in his head was overflowing. Instead, he thought about it an awful lot, blushing some and feeling a strange tingly sort of rush in his stomach. This probably wasn't a good thing.

"I'm trying. Okay. I'm not good at talking to people. We've established this," he started again, running a hand through his hair. Phil watched him do it. His heart was beating like crazy.

"We have. It's okay. I don't mind," Phil encouraged, wanting him to keep talking, because his voice was beautiful and croaky and deep and hot and _shit did Phil really think that because something was going terribly wrong but very right at the same time._

"Your mum had me on the spot and I'm not good at on the spot," Dan rushed, sighing deeply afterwards, satisfied. "Okay. That's good. Longest sentence so far with no mistakes."

"We don't have to talk about it," Phil reminded him, wanting to reach out and touch his arm comfortingly but he didn't want to take anything too far. Dan was opening a part of himself to him and he didn't want to ruin it by forcing him to run back into his hole again.

"I know, but I think I do. I have lots to say but I'm bad at saying things."

"I have a lot of time."

"Good." Dan paused. "Parents are fighting. I've told you this. I wish they'd just divorce already, it's driving me insane." Phil said nothing and Dan was glad. "God, it's so weird for me to speak to you."

"I love your voice," Phil blurted, unintentionally. "Shit, sorry, okay, I wasn't meant to say that. Please don't be uncomfortable."

Dan took in a deep breath. He looked like he was trying to control his nerves. "Right. Yes. Thank you." It was quiet for a while. "Sorry I'm just trying really hard not to say something stupid," Dan said eventually, eyes still closed. Phil didn't know why he was so insistent on watching him. Dan's cheekbones curved in a way that he couldn't take his eyes off of. His lips were chapped. Phil had a thought in the distances of his mind that told him to do something about that but he ignored it, painfully.

"Whatever you say I won't think it's stupid," Phil encouraged him, wanting him to keep talking, not wanting this moment to end.

"Like- like how I like your voice a lot, too. And your eyes. And your legs. And- " Dan cut himself off, choking. "Fuck fuck fuck I need to stop I need to stop I'm so sorry- "

Dan got up with lightning speed. He left. Phil was alone.

\---

Dan didn't reply to any of Phil's Facebook messages after that. He tried desperately to get a hold of the boy, wanting to make things right, but Dan just didn't want to be found. After almost two weeks of no contact whatsoever, Phil was hurting. He had grown very fond of Dan, even though he had a habit of not saying much. This trait of his only made Phil cherish the moments when he did speak even more. It made him feel special, like he was seeing a part of Dan that nobody else did.

These thoughts led to Phil finding Dan on the first day back from school and sitting with him at lunch. It took a long time, almost half of the break, to find him, but eventually he spotted his lean legs at the back of the school, all by himself. Neither of them spoke while Phil joined him, close enough that they could feel the heat radiating off one another's arms but far enough away that they weren't touching. Phil was dying to close the gap, even if for a second.

"You haven't been replying to my messages," Phil accused after a few moments. So far, Dan hadn't got up and left yet, so things were going great.

"I- " Dan began, but he stopped, choking on his words. Phil didn't encourage him or tell him it was okay. He waited for Dan to get himself together, and finish on his own. "Don't know what to say," he muttered finally, twiddling his thumbs.

"Anything you say is fine," Phil said, picking at his bagel. "I like you whether you speak nonsense or not."

The way he said it, so casually, had Dan blushing all over again. "You like me?" he whispered, in a hesitant sort of way, like he would shatter the glass barrier between them if he spoke any louder. At the moment, he didn't know if that was something he wanted to do quite yet.

"Of course I do! Otherwise I wouldn't keep sending you messages and search for you all lunch. It's a nice spot you've got here, by the way," Phil added as an afterthought, looking around at how alone they were. "Cosy."

"Generally, nobody finds me here. Which is the point," Dan said, a little louder and perhaps a little more harshly. He didn't mean to, but he just didn't really know how to deal with other people, so used to being alone that company was foreign.

"If you want me to go you can say so," Phil whispered, no malice in his tone, but rather completely understanding and soft. His voice made Dan want to cry, he was so caring and pure.

"No! I don't," he blurted, reaching out and grabbing Phil's arm subconsciously. "Sorry. I'm not good with like, conveying emotions well." He let go. Phil was disappointed.

"Well, you're still my friend regardless. Probably the best friend I've got now, the rest aren't as interesting as you," Phil admitted, and that was it. The glass was broken.

"W-what? Best? I don't- " Dan was stuttering again, crawling away in his mind, not knowing how to respond, not used to having someone like his company and want him around. "I've never had a best friend. I don't even know what they are," he said, collecting himself, trying not to stutter. His eyes were closed, focused, and he almost didn't notice the way Phil lightly laid a hand on his arm in comfort. He wouldn't have, either, if the touch didn't increase his heart rate by twenty beats a minute. Oh, god, this was going to be the death of him.

"Neither have I! But you seem like a good fit. I trust you," Phil confided, smiling brightly, just like always. Dan was drowning in it. He was too beautiful for his own good.

"You hardly even know me. I don't talk."

"You're talking now," Phil countered, reaching out carefully and bopping his nose playfully, grin still spread across his face. Dan was blushing so much he thought his cheeks were going to completely separate from his body and join a punt of strawberries.

"Yeah but that's- " Dan began, before he was interrupted by Phil.

"Nope, no excuses. I like that you talk to me, even if only sometimes." Dan was silent after this statement, and Phil didn't care. If Dan had used up his maximum word count for the day then so be it. Phil had already received enough to last him the week. "Do you want to come over again today?" he asked, so Dan nodded. Phil smiled.

What Phil didn't realise was that the reason Dan had ceased to speak was because his heart was stuck in his throat. He knew that things were going to get bad for him soon.

Because his affection for Phil would not be able to be hidden for much longer, especially at the rate his heart was jumping.

\---

On the third day of the fourth week of the second term, Dan messed up again. They had been seeing one another every day, as Phil hung out with him during recess and lunch and they went home together to nap. These days, it was not uncommon for Dan to still be lying next to Phil when he woke up. The sight of him gave Phil butterflies and he let them consume him, until the desire to kiss Dan's pouty lips was so great that he wanted to explode. After a moment of this, he closed his eyes, brought himself back to reality, and breathed. Then it was gone.

On this particular Wednesday, the boy's weren't sleeping. They lay facing one another, while Phil talked lots and Dan spoke little. Some days Dan could speak up to three sentences in a row and others he could only mutter soft replies or not say anything at all. However, Dan always found himself to be shocked when Phil constantly didn't seem to care, just appreciating his presence and listening intently. It was nice. Phil gave him a sense of security.

"Why do you wear lots of black?" was the question that led Dan to messing up, really. It was innocent in itself, simply a query that Dan knew Phil wouldn't mind if he left unanswered. Phil didn't push for things. If Dan said no, Phil moved on.

"It's a statement, I guess," Dan responded anyway, even if there was a large part of him that didn't want to. Then there was his trust for Phil, overwhelming and all consuming, almost suffocating.

"What's the statement saying?"

"Just, like, breaking stereotypes," Dan continued, and everything in his head was begging him to _stop stop stop_ because he was about to say something very _very_ big and Phil was going to hate him for it. He just _knew it_  but the trust swirled around stubbornly, ready to reveal itself, ready to tell Phil anything he wanted to know.

"What stereotype are you trying to break?" Phil asked, and Dan knew he was going to answer, knew he was going to say it, but he so feared the consequences, because would Phil demand he leave? Would he question some more? Would he yell and scream just like his parents always did?

The trust rooted him on. Phil liked him. Phil liked him for his nonsense.

"That gay boys all wear bright flags and happy colours," he admitted softly, then his eyes were shut and his body tensed and he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"That's a cool thing to do. I wish I could come up with something like that."

Then Phil went on to talk about how a species of rhino had recently become extinct and how sad that was and Dan realised that he didn't actually mess up, not really.

The trust was triumphant. He felt guilty for doubting Phil, when he should have known that everything would be fine.

Now all he had to deal with was his stupid, crippling crush on the boy who understood so much but so very little.

\---

Everything changed at the end of the sixth week.

_Can you come over?_ Dan read a text from Phil, growing nervous as he read the next part. _I want to talk to you about something._

**_okay, i'll be over soon,_** he responded calmly, however felt the opposite. It was one of those heart stopping moments when everyone in a room decided to turn serious, when laughter was followed by pain, when questions were followed by answers that didn't make sense. The age old horror story, "We need to talk." Dan hated it. Dan hated the whole process of it. He would even prefer to have Phil call him and suffer through the his fear of speaking with someone over the phone, rather than wait the five knee shaking minutes it took to get to Phil's house.

When Dan finally arrived, which felt like an eternity and then some, Phil greeted him at the door, which made Dan freak out internally even more because this was unusual and he didn't want that. He wanted to run up the stairs, see Phil lying on his bed, telling him the thing was one big ruse and Dan could just whine about it for the next few days but at least that would be somewhat normal.

Phil was smiling, but there was something behind it Dan couldn't quite figure out. "I'm sorry to worry you, but this has been eating away at my mind for the past few weeks and I think now is a good time to talk about it."

"Hurry up and say it please because I hate anticipation," Dan muttered, noticing the way Phil winced and regretted it immediately. This must have been serious.

Phil let Dan in and raced up the steps. When Dan followed Phil into his room, Phil didn't sit down, but rather paced across by his bed, back and forward, hands fiddling and eyes almost terrified. Dan sat down on the bed, worried he might pass out, because he had never seen Phil in this state before and it was beginning to scare him.

"I don't, like, want to frighten you with this and I don't want you to leave when I say it," Phil began, almost like a warning. "I want you to know that it was never my intention for this to happen and I haven't been trying to take advantage of you."

Dan closed his eyes, arms shaking so much he wished he could just grab Phil's hand for comfort. "I don't want to hurry you but I think I'm gonna pass out if you don't tell me what's in your head right now because my anxiety is eating me from the inside out," Dan rushed out, feeling like he was close to tears, because this was it, this was the end. Phil was ending their friendship for good and there was nothing Dan could do about it.

"Okay, don't freak out! It could turn out to be a good thing. I guess I'll properly start with saying that I used to be absolutely certain I was straight."

Slowly, Dan opened his eyes. He blinked. "What?" he said, heart pounding.

"I- I really don't know what I'm trying to describe here, oh god this was a terrible idea," Phil groaned, head falling into his hands, leg jingling anxiously.

"Keep going," Dan encouraged, almost through clenched teeth, because if this turned out to be extremely anticlimactic he was going to bash Phil's face in.

"Sometimes, I- god I'm so sorry this is gonna sound so bad, like I'm objectifying you- I wanna kiss you so bad that my head feels like it's going to burst. And sometimes I wanna hold you closely when we sleep or trail my fingers down your back and all this other weird romantic stuff so I don't think I'm straight anymore and I also think I probably like you in a more-than-friends-way," Phil blabbered, closing his eyes, breathing out slowly before opening. "Okay. It's out in the open. I'm gay for you. Wait, that sounds bad, I mean- "

"I know," Dam said, mind processing what Phil just said, still not quite believing it was real. It couldn't be. Phil couldn't be. This was all his dreams coming true at once.

"So..." Phil trailed off awkwardly, shoving his hands in his pockets, now facing Dan who was still sitting on the edge of his bed, less than a metre away. "Sorry to violate our friendship like that. I mean, we can go back to the way things were and I'll get over it so it doesn't matter but I just thought you should know- "

"Stop!" Dan shouted suddenly, leaning forward and grabbing one of Phil's arms and dragging Phil towards him, until he was standing directly between Dan's legs. Phil let out a small, "Oh!" at the movement, not expecting it. "Remember when I told you I was gay?" Dan asked, trailing a finger absentmindedly up Phil's arm, heart still beating loudly but now for a different reason.

"Yes," Phil whispered, shaking slightly, "I remember it vividly."

"That was terrifying for me. I was so worried you would hate me, or even worse, that you'd figure it out," he continued, speaking more than he was used to or generally thought he was capable of, but the circumstances were different. Dan was fighting for something now.

"Figure what out?" Phil asked, looking down at Dan sitting beneath him, as a huge smile began to spread across the quiet boy's face.

"That I had a giant fucking crush and I didn't want my straight friend to find out about it," Dan concluded, dimples sticking out in his cheeks as he watched Phil's expression change from one of confusion, to wonder, to pure joy.

"You...me...?" Dan nodded. "Oh my god. Okay. Okay. Right." Phil gulped. "Do we kiss now? Can we kiss?" he muttered helplessly, pulling on Dan's shirt, wanting him to stand up so they could be eye level. Dan did.

"Yeah. I'd love that," Dan whispered, hands trembling but Phil didn't notice, because he was too busy placing one hand on Dan's lower back and the other in his hair and then their lips were touching and Phil couldn't think coherently anymore.

It was everything Phil had dreamed of and more. Dan's lips weren't soft and they didn't taste like bubblegum, but rather they were chapped and tasted a bit like toothpaste and Phil preferred this, honestly. Dreams were fun and all but reality was different. Reality felt like everything was more than it was supposed to be and he didn't need a storybook to give him a happily ever after because that wouldn't sit right with him. Nothing would feel complete and everything would be fake but here, right now, holding Dan's hair and his neck and his cheeks, nothing was fake.

Dan, on the other side, had a mostly internal monologue of constant screaming. He wanted to think about Phil's lips and his tongue which _was now slowly entering his mouth and things were cool things were fine_ and things were probably great, actually. Except he could mostly only focus on not passing out and remembering to breathe through his nose because he was holding on to Phil for dear life, afraid that if he let go to pull away this moment would be broken and everything would be some huge practical joke. That Phil would disappear into nothing, a figure of his imagination, and the cameras would come out and he would be laughed at and scrutinised.

God, did Dan wish he could just relish himself in this moment and _forget_ but all he could think about was everything that could go wrong.

Phil pulled away first, hands reluctantly falling to his sides, too out of breath to continue. His mind was swirling with thoughts of Dan, who he noticed still had his eyes shut, and _was he trembling slightly, still?_

"Dan? Are you okay?" Phil asked, starting to get a bit concerned. He reached a hand out to intertwine their fingers, which Dan let him do but was somewhat unresponsive.

"Sorry. Wait," Dan whispered, opening his eyes slowly and breathing deeply. He was overwhelmed with emotion and was trying to wrap his head around what had just occurred. It was something that he had always imagined so perfectly in his mind but when it came down to it he was still just as anxious and jittery as always. It wasn't fair.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spring myself on you like that, I shouldn't have- "

"Don't blame yourself," Dan whispered, leaning into Phil and enveloping him with a hug. He didn't know what was coming over him but he felt weak and vulnerable and he hated it so much. "I consented. I'm just- this is new. My mind is having just some, troubles, is all," Dan explained, sighing deeply into Phil's neck, trying to focus on stopping himself from shaking.

"I don't know what's wrong," Phil muttered helplessly, running his hands up and down Dan's back, in what he hoped was a soothing manner. This was new to him, too. Well, he'd kissed people before and none of them had reacted like this. Dan was still a mystery to him and he wished he knew how to figure him out. All he wanted to do was help.

"That's okay. You don't need to," Dan reassured, pulling away and stepping a foot back, getting his bearings. He took a few more deep breaths before feeling back to relatively normal, which wasn't really all that healthy by most standards. "That was probably really weird for you. I reacted weirdly. _Shit_." And then Dan was panicking again and Phil didn't know what to do.

"I- I am so sorry," Phil stuttered, not knowing if he was supposed to reach out and help or stay back and let Dan figure himself out. He needed to research this, or something, anything to figure out how to help Dan and stop him from looking so scared and alone. That killed a part of Phil inside, or what felt like an awful lot of him.

"Don't be. Just- don't," Dan whispered, feeling himself crawling back and retreating from Phil mentally but he didn't know what to do about it. "I loved kissing you. I like you a lot. I wanna do it again but- I'm running out of words," he continued, slowly looking down at his feet, shuffling from side to side. "I'm overwhelmed," he finished in short, the too long; didn't read version that he wished he had begun with.

Phil didn't understand, but he knew that Dan was complex in more ways than one so he didn't try to, not without a better explanation. "Can I...?" he suggested, indicating that he wanted to hug Dan. Dan nodded, so Phil moved forward and wrapped his arms around him lightly, kissing him on the forehead. "I like you a lot. So whatever you're going through, I'm with you one hundred percent of the way," Phil assured, awkwardly patting him on the head but Dan appreciated the gesture.

"Thanks," Dan muttered, and he knew he needed some time to himself now. He felt so guilty, kissing Phil then leaving a sudden emotional gap between them and he just overall decided he was a pretty shitty person right now. "Can I go? I'm sorry. I need to- just. Want to talk. Hard to speak."

Phil smiled and pulled away. He nodded. Dan licked his lips, didn't look Phil in the eyes and stood on his tiptoes just a little bit to kiss his cheek. After that he raced away, down the stairs, outside and gone but not home because that wasn't a good place either. He just went elsewhere. Elsewhere was good.

After two minutes, Phil received a text from Dan, which he had expected but was still happy to receive. He casually lay down on his bed with his legs crossed, not even caring that Dan had departed so rapidly because he was still high off the kiss. He didn't expect things to be utterly fantastic afterwards. Dan had a lot of hidden secrets and Phil was willing to take the longest time in the world to discover them as long as he could keep feeling like this.

_**did i mention im sorry,**_ it read, and Phil smiled softly without meaning to.

_Yes and it's alright, you did nothing wrong,_ he responded, and thus began a conversation through text that helped Dan out a lot because he could express himself better this way. He didn't need eye contact or facial expression or hand gestures. That just added overall confusion for him.

**Dan: _i overreacted_**

**Phil** _: And I don't mind._

**Dan: _it's not normal_**

**Phil _:_** _Nothing is normal. Everyone's different. Maybe what happened was an overreaction by lots of people's standards but it was you and you're not everyone. It's okay._

**Dan _: i ruin things._**

**Phil _:_** _Well I don't think you do. Our kiss was great. The epitome of all kisses. You were overwhelmed and needed some time away from social interaction and that's cool. I'm fine with it_

**Dan: _okay_**

**Dan: _thank you_**

**Dan: _i want to like_**

**Dan: _i want to tell you a thing but idk how so i just thought i'd let you know that i want you to know but im not sure_**

**Phil:** _That's okay, tell me when you're ready_

**Dan: _i'll see you later_**

And then Dan was gone, and Phil didn't really understand a word of what had just gone on but he tried not to let it get to him. He tried to just let it pass and wait until Dan was ready to confess to him whatever he had on his mind.

Despite his brain telling him to just turn off and let it go, he was up thinking about it for most of the night.

\---

Phil found Dan in the school hallway on Monday morning. There were students everywhere, but Phil was in a relatively bright mood after the events of the weekend, despite the slightly weird parts. He had kissed Dan, which was what mattered, ultimately. Dan liked him back and wanted to be around him in a somewhat romantic way, which made up for the rest.

"Hello!" Phil chirped, finding Dan at his locker. Dan jumped, almost dropping his books, looking up at Phil with a mixture of surprise and fear. He didn't respond, but rather stared at Phil helplessly with wide eyes, darting around with his vision to all the other students and people in the hallway with them. Phil's smile dropped slightly, following by a concerned, "Is everything okay?"

Dan nodded halfheartedly, gesturing with his chin to the people surrounding them. "I don't really get what you're trying to say, m'sorry," Phil muttered, starting to notice the people staring and realising afterwards that maybe Dan wasn't exactly comfortable with others. Like, Phil had guessed as much over the past few months, but he was so used to speaking with Dan in private that he didn't realise that things would be different publicly, not until now.

Dan placed his books at the edge of his locker, rummaging around for a piece of paper. Phil waited in silence while he scribbled out a note, pushing it into Phil's hands with a guilty expression on his face and a mouthed, "I'm sorry." He touched Phil's hand briefly afterwards, a small sign of affection, before escaping quickly through the crowd with his head down. Phil couldn't help but smile, a little bit. He read the note.

**_look up 'social anxiety' and 'selective mutism' online. i'll come over tomorrow after school_ **

Phil placed the note in his pocket, and thought about it all day.

\---

After school, Phil raced up to his room and opened his laptop, turning it on as quickly as he could. He didn't know much about mental illness, especially because it was rarely spoken about at school or at home, but Phil had heard a bit here and there about anxiety and symptoms of it and it made sense that Dan had something of the sort, especially based on the way he acted. As for selective mutism, Phil had no idea what the details of that entailed, however it seemed pretty self explanatory based on Dan's reluctance to speak.

Phil searched up social anxiety first on Google, and was greeted with a statement from a website right at the top.

_"Social anxiety is the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance."_

Phil squinted his eyes, clicking on the website to read more. It went on to explain symptoms, most of which Phil noticed Dan had executed on a daily basis, and Phil was surprised to see how common social anxiety actually was. It also explained a lot for Phil, especially how Dan always got so anxious when speaking a lot of the time and mostly kept his head down at school. Dan liked to be alone, away from others, because there he felt safe.

Phil went back to the search bar, typing in selective mutism. For some reason, he thought that this one would be a little more complex, especially since he had never heard of it before.

Phil clicked on the first relative link, noticing that there were a lot more words on this page than the other one. He read the first sentence and was already quite a bit confused.

_"Selective Mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child's inability to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings, such as school."_

_Dan isn't exactly a child,_ Phil thought, scrolling through the website.

_"These children are able to speak and communicate in settings where they are comfortable, secure, and relaxed."_

The website had a lot of statistics and other scientific research, but it all related back to the first paragraph of the page, really.

After reading bits and pieces of other information, Phil slowly felt he understood Dan's actions a lot better now. His reluctance to speak, his gradual warming up to Phil, his supposed ease of communicating over text and Messenger. His desire to be away from others and anxious natures. There was still the part about selective mutism almost exclusively only occurring in small children, but Phil felt more at ease. He was less useless now, and maybe he could help Dan.

Now all he had to do was wait for tomorrow to come.

\---

At the end of school the next day, Phil waited impatiently at home for Dan to arrive. He figured he would come on his own accord, so didn't bother to text or anything. And he was right. After fifteen minutes, the front door opened, and soon Dan was standing under Phil's doorframe with his sleeves covering his hands, rocking from side to side awkwardly.

"Hi! You can come sit with me if you'd like," Phil offered, not wanting to push him. Dan smiled and skipped over eagerly, however sat down cautiously and allowed their legs to touch but didn't make a move to cuddle into his side or anything and Phil didn't suggest it. Phil wanted Dan to do the decision making, so he never had to be all that uncomfortable again. Phil knew that if he offered anything Dan would take it even if he didn't want to, because he was too scared of saying no sometimes.

"Did you look up the things I wrote down?" Dan whispered, nervous and looking down at his hands.

"Of course I did. I'm glad you told me," Phil said, placing his hand out and allowing Dan to take it. They held hands softly, with Phil running his thumb on the back of Dan's hand in a comforting way.

"I just wanted you to like, I dunno, get it, better," he muttered, slowly but surely dropping his head down to rest on Phil's shoulder. Phil tried not to get excited about it, but his heart was racing.

"I want you to know that it's okay. I like you, with social anxiety and selective mutism and everything in between. It's seriously fine. I like you this way."

"Don't say that," Dan demanded, still soft but there was a layer of harshness to his tone. Phil didn't say anything. He waited for Dan to continue in case he said something else that upset him. "Don't you dare say that my silence is 'endearing', or, or that you think my nervousness is 'cute' or whatever the fuck else," he continued bitterly. Phil opened his mouth to say he was sorry, but Dan got there first. "Don't apologise. It's not your fault for not knowing but please don't do it again. I hate being silent and I hate my anxiety and I do not want it. So don't tell me you like me this way because then I'll be too scared to change."

"Alright," Phil whispered. He didn't apologise, because Dan asked him not to. "That's the most you've ever said in one go to me, I think. Improvement."

Dan was smiling and so was Phil. "That's because I feel comfortable, here, like this, now. Not outside or at school or anywhere else but here. I only talk to you," Dan admitted, in an embarrassing sort of way but Phil couldn't help but feel very, very special and very, very privileged. Privileged because this beautiful boy felt comfortable talking to him, of all people. This beautiful boy liked _him_ and wanted to hold _his_ hand and kiss _his_ lips.

"Then we can work together and then you can talk to other people as well. Would you like that?" Phil asked.

"Yeah. I think I would," Dan said, softly and quietly, and Phil was ready to help him with anything. "Can I talk to you about something else? Like, about my anxiety. So you can hear it from me and not a website," Dan added, blushing.

"Sure," Phil replied, ears perking up and ready to listen intently.

"It's going to be long and I might be a bit weird with my words but I'm trying, okay?" Phil nodded. "Okay. So the thing with, like, selective mutism, which I supposedly have, is that it's generally something children have and then they grow out of it. Except I never grew out of it and that's not that common. I don't talk at home and I don't talk at school because the fear of saying something wrong overrides my capability of speech.

"It's mostly genetic, so my parents began to fight a lot over it. Then when I didn't grow out of it they blamed me for not trying hard enough. Then they just fell out of love entirely and fight every god damn night and it's driving me insane. They send me to therapist after therapist but I don't talk to any of them. Everyone sees me as some strange fucking disease but I'm not, I'm not a disease, I'm not an illness. I'm a person and I need to figure things out with the help of those who actually care." Dan took a deep breath. "That was so fucking hard. Okay. I think I'm done."

Phil was smiling widely, despite the darkness of what's Dan had just confessed to him. "I'm so proud of you," he murmured, turning to kiss the top of Dan's head.

"W-what?" Dan asked, caught off guard.

"I'm really, really proud of you. For saying all that to me," Phil repeated, louder this time and squeezing Dan's hand reassuringly.

"Can I ask you something else?" Dan said, and he appeared to be nervous, but Phil never really knew when he wasn't.

"Of course you can."

"Are we, like- " Dan paused, unsure of what to say. "Like... I just. You. Together." He looked down at their intertwined fingers, letting the butterflies in his stomach consume him for a moment because Phil made him feel all sorts of different kinds of content.

"Yes," Phil said. "If you want." Neither of them knew entirely what Dan had asked or what Phil had agreed to. But they both knew that they liked one another in a way that was different from friendship and Phil really liked kissing Dan and holding his hand. So he was up for anything, really.

"It's not going to be easy," Dan warned, a bit cautious, not wanting to scare Phil away but also wanting him to know.

"I know," Phil said, and he did.

"All my issues aren't magically going to go away."

"I know."

"I'm still an anxious, muted mess."

"I know."

"I won't talk to you in public because it scares me."

"Then I won't expect you to talk in public."

"We won't be able to go on proper dates."

"Pizza and Netflix is more fun anyway."

"It's going to take me a long time to get over this."

"And I'm with you every step of the way. Look," Phil said, before Dan could try and degrade himself any more, "I like you because you're you, Dan. If I like you with the lack of speech and nervous shaking and worry and 'abnormal' reactions then I'm going to like you through the process of you learning to grow and develop from them. I know I'll never fully understand. But I want to be with you, in any form. I enjoy your presence. Does that satisfy you?" Phil asked, and Dan took his head off his shoulder and looked at him, right in the eyes, awe covering his features.

"Yes, I- oh. You, I don't deserve you," Dan giggled and then he was throwing himself forward to wrap his arms around Phil's neck, kissing him awkwardly on the lips with more force than necessary. It was short and messy and not all in the right places but Phil was grinning and Dan was still smiling.

"I think you mean _I_ don't deserve _you_. You don't have to be alone anymore, Dan. Things are going to be okay," Phil promised and he meant it wholeheartedly. He was going to make sure that Dan made it through this as painlessly as possible. Because he deserved it. He deserved so much more.

"You make me happy," Dan said, still clinging to Phil's neck. "I like that."

Phil knew that, so they sat in silence for a while. Phil knew this moment would end eventually. He knew that Dan would say something that embarrassed him and he would shut up and wouldn't speak properly for another three days or he would become overwhelmed again and fall into a state of shock but Phil wasn't surprised to find he was ready for it. It was going to be hard, but god, was it going to be worth it.

"Hey Phil?" Dan spoke up after a few minutes of silence, holding one another and breathing deeply in a calming sort of way.

"Yeah?" Phil replied. His eyes were closed. He was in bliss.

"Kiss me again," Dan said softly, and Phil did.

**Author's Note:**

> so i hope you liked that and i portrayed it well enough !! my tumblr is phantsy.tumblr.com so if u wanna be friends hit me up with a message fam xx let me know in the comments if you enjoyed this !!  
> ok now for the information i will try to keep this short  
> the aspects of social anxiety that this story goes over is from personal experience especially, but the selective mutism is a different level. my mum is a preschool teacher that has seen selective mutism in children as young as three and i have seen it sometimes wrongly portrayed in fan fiction before. being a selective mute DOES NOT mean that someone never speaks at all. they can speak a lot at certain points, but then never in other certain social situations. this is why it can be such an issue nowadays in young children, as parents will argue that since their child speaks lots at home they are not a selective mute. however my mum had a four year old that would get so anxious at school and would never speak to anyone and got so mad at himself for it that he would literally claw at his cheeks and arms until he bled if my mum did not hold his hands. my mum would sometimes go to his house to talk to his mum about the issue and the boy would have no issues speaking to her there, but as soon as he was at preschool he wouldn't say a word.  
> it is possible for this disorder to continue into adolescence. many have the misconception that treatment just involves forcing the children to speak and thinking that by making them do it, they'll be comfortable, which is not the case.  
> i am in no way an expert on this topic, and while i did research i can never portray selective mutism perfectly as i do not experience it. if you are more informed on the subject than i am, please let me know so i can keep myself educated in the future. i hope i portrayed dan well enough though in this story and that it was thoroughly enjoyed by you all xx  
> well, that's all from me, stay tuned for more fan fiction in this fandom soon and don't forget to comment here or sent me a message on tumblr if you wanna be friends !!! thank you xx  
> (sources: http://www.selectivemutismcenter.org/aboutus/whatisselectivemutism  
> https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety)


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